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<title>in our family portrait we look pretty happy by MaddieandChimney</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28077252">in our family portrait we look pretty happy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney'>MaddieandChimney</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bad Things Happen Bingo [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, mentions of neglect/abandonment, mentions of post partum depression (past)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:21:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,144</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28077252</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bad Things Happen Bingo: Neglect/Abandonment </p><p>.</p><p>Maddie has only ever wanted to protect her little brother from anything that could hurt him. Keeping childhood secrets she wished she would never have to tell him because his heart had been broken by their mother a long time ago. But some secrets aren’t meant to be hidden forever.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Maddie Buckley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bad Things Happen Bingo [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937749</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in our family portrait we look pretty happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maddie’s hand rests on her stomach as she takes a breath, feeling the gentle fluttering of her daughter moving, her heart aching with longing as she imagines for a second what it’ll be like to hold the little girl for the first time. It’s with sadness that she looks up at her brother, shifting her body so her feet are no longer resting on his lap before she bites down on her bottom lip, moving enough to put some space between them.</p><p>This wasn’t a story she ever wanted to tell him, it wasn’t something that felt necessary but the further into her pregnancy she got, the more the family secret weighed heavier on her shoulders. She thought about how she was going to bring her own little girl into the world and she had fears and biases of her own childhood that only Buck would understand on some level. But he didn’t have all of the details, he only had a few pieces of the puzzle because she had tried so hard to protect him from the truth. That was just what a big sister did, right? Everything she had done was to make sure he didn’t have to feel half the hurt she knew he would.</p><p>Buck was just like her in that respect – they wore their hearts on their sleeves and all they had ever wanted to do was help as many people as they could. Maybe because no one had helped them when they were younger. She hadn’t lied when she told Chimney that their parents weren’t bad people, they were just bad parents but it hadn’t been the truth, either. Their dad was absent, uncaring, unwilling to show love in any form but it was who he was, it was who his father was and probably his father before him. Some people shouldn’t be parents and their father was one of them, Chimney’s father was another. But that didn’t mean she and Chimney couldn’t be good parents, right? And it didn’t mean that Chimney would follow in the footsteps of the man who had supposedly ‘raised’ him.</p><p>And just because her mother was the way she was, it didn’t mean she would turn out to be just like her. But Maddie had been a lot of things before – a sister, a daughter, a best friend, a girlfriend, a wife, a nurse, a dispatcher, and she felt as though she was <em>good</em> at all those things. She knew what she was doing, she knew how to show love and to give care and to show encouragement, but she had never been a mother before. What if…</p><p>“You’re quiet tonight.” She tilts her head up to look at her brother, pursing her lips together before she looks down at her growing bump, rubbing gentle circles over her stomach. At the beginning, she had truly imagined herself as the kind of mother she had always wanted for herself but the further into the pregnancy she got, the more the fear took hold of her. “Maddie, do you want me to call Chimney? Is there something wrong with the baby?”</p><p>Maddie can hear the fear in his voice, remembering how excited he had been when she had told him that she and Chimney were having a baby. How he had held her and promised her that she would be an amazing mother, even if she was starting not to believe it anymore. Her little brother being scared is exactly what she needs to pull her out of her own head and force her to open her mouth to say something, nodding her head as she does, “Baby is fine… just been thinking a lot about mom and dad, I guess.”</p><p>He’s already shifting uncomfortably and even if he doesn’t know every deep dark secret of their childhood, she knows that he knows enough. Their parents never raised a hand to them but there were other ways to destroy a child. Ignoring them or reminding them what a disappointment they were was a great way to start. Their father was strict and their mother was disinterested in Buck’s eyes but there was more to the story. Things she wished she would never have to tell him because his heart had been broken by their mother a long time ago. But she can’t tell Chimney why she’s so terrified if she doesn’t tell Buck first because she can’t expect the man she loves to share the burden of a secret she probably never should have kept in the first place. Buck had pieces to a story that didn’t make sense and she probably had some of the answers.</p><p>Sometimes, she can’t help but wonder if the missing pieces are the reason he acted the way he did… sleeping around and not being able to settle down with someone. She wonders if knowing the whole story will help him settle or if it will only provide him with a bitterness she doesn’t want him to have.</p><p>He doesn’t want to ask, she can see it in his eyes that he really doesn’t want to ask because whenever she mentions their parents, he so often changes the subject, but he does anyway. His shoulders slump and he sighs, “What about them?”</p><p>“I just—mom thought she would be a good mother before she was one and then…” The tears have started already, quickly wiping at them with the back of her hand, “I was so confident and now the closer I come to meeting my baby girl, all I can think about is… what if I don’t know how to love her? What if… what if I don’t even realise I’m doing it and I mess her up or—I hurt her? I couldn’t have children with Doug because I knew it wasn’t safe and I didn’t want to bring a child into that, not knowing if even I would know how to be a parent. A-and Chimney and I never really… this wasn’t planned or expected and… I know he’ll be amazing. I’m safe and our daughter will be loved so much by him and he will show her how to be kind and patient and loving… but what if I can’t?”</p><p>It takes barely a second for her brother to close the gap between them, an arm wrapping around her shoulder as his other hand moves to rest on top of hers, over her stomach. His touch is gentle and it reminds her for just a second of her at six-years-old, obsessed with the little baby growing inside of her mother’s stomach even though the woman didn’t seem to be all that interested. None of her questions went answered and then one day, a few weeks after her seventh birthday, this little baby boy was brought home and she promised that she would be the best big sister anyone could ever ask for.</p><p>“I have no doubt that you are going to be an amazing mom, Maddie. You practically raised me, remember? And look how I turned out.” There’s a slight smirk on his face, although the usual mischievous sparkle doesn’t reach his eyes as he dips his head to force her to look at him. “You and Chimney are going to love this little girl more than she could ever imagine, you are not like her, just like you told Chimney he won’t be anything like his dad.”</p><p>It’s a twenty-eight year secret that comes blurting out before she can stop it, eyes meeting the baby blue ones of her brother as she moves her other hand on top of his, holding onto him tightly. “Just before your first birthday, dad was on a business trip and mom drove me and you to the beach… miles and miles from home. We had a nice day, we had a picnic and… uh, I-I remember building sandcastles and she seemed happy for the first time in a while. And then I guess she said she was going to get something out of the car and I had to look after you. The beach was empty, it was cold and quiet and I waited and she never came back.” His hand starts to shake and she only moves the hand on top of his to press gently against his cheek, capturing the tears that fall down his face.</p><p>“I waited… I was only eight, I didn’t realise that she wasn’t planning on coming back. I-I um, wrapped the picnic blanket around us and I held you all night and waited for her to come back… I-I just waited because I didn’t know what else to do.”</p><p>“Maddie—”</p><p>“I-I know I’m being selfish by telling you but I just… you’re the only person who knows what mom was like. And I know her having post-partum depression doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to have it, too but—I’m terrified. I don’t want to let Chimney down, I don’t want to—”</p><p>Buck is younger than her but he’s always been as fiercely protective of her as she has of him. She can remember when he’d stand between her and her father when the arguments got too much, even when he was barely half the size of the man. She can see the fire in his eyes when he moves his hand from hers and presses both hands to either side of her face, forcing her to look him in the eyes as he does. “You’re not like her, okay? And it’s not the same now as it was then, there’s no shame and you’ll get help if you need it. You’ll have so many people around you for support, so many people who love you. Even if it does happen, it won’t be the same.”</p><p>There’s an intense honesty in his voice, deepened only by the tears that fall down his face as her bottom lip trembles and she slowly nods her head. “It won’t be the same.” She repeats, saying the same in her head soon after as she tries to somehow channel the thoughts to her daughter that she will fight to be the best mother she possibly can be despite her own childhood, despite most of her adulthood before LA, before Chimney, before life finally felt good.</p><p>“It won’t be the same.” Her brother whispers, leaning forward to press his forehead to hers as he sniffs, “W-what happened? At the beach…”</p><p>Maddie gulps down the lump in her throat, hands falling back down to her bump, “Dad came the next day—made me promise never to tell anyone what mom had done. I-I guess he got home from his business trip that morning and she told him. I think it’s the only day I ever remember when he was nice to me… to both of us. He wrapped a blanket around us in the car, turned the heating up high and uh, we stopped at a diner on the way home. I think he was… delaying the inevitable, I think even he… he wasn’t a good dad, he didn’t know how to be a parent but… he didn’t want <em>that. </em>And then we went home and it was like it had never happened. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it, we never went to the beach again and—dad made sure that someone always came and checked on us when he was away.”</p><p>There’s a fear in his blue eyes before he nods his head, “Thank you for telling me. I mean… I wish you had sooner because… it kind of makes sense, I wish you had told me before but… I get it. If it were the other way around…”</p><p>“I just wanted to protect you.”</p><p>Two strong arms wrap tightly around her, his head hiding in the top of her head as he pulls her as close as he possibly can, “I know but you don’t have to protect me anymore, Maddie.” She knows that he’s almost thirty now and that he’s towered over her since his growth spurt at eleven-years-old but he’ll always be her little brother no matter what. “You’re nothing like her though, I know that because… you’ve been protecting me for twenty-nine-years. My niece is the luckiest girl in the whole world.”</p><p>“Y-yeah, she is pretty lucky.” And more loved than she ever could have imagined anyone who hadn’t even opened their eyes in the world yet could be, she thinks, as she moves to wrap her arms around her brother, hiding her face in the crook of his neck, just relieved that he didn’t hate her and hopeful that any pieces of the puzzle of their childhood he could put together would help heal either of them, just a little. Just enough for him to find his own slice of happiness in the world just as she had with Chimney.</p>
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